After the first year, something curious happened to my relationship with the man I married and had two daughters, with whom I still live: I stopped having sex. Of course, if the occasion arose, we did it, but that carnal instinct simply … vanished.
Scientists and researchers can easily attribute it to a set of psychological changes that occur when we bond: the body no longer needs that cocktail of chemicals to attract and be attracted to our partners. The brain begins to look for stability and continuity once the endorphins at the beginning of the relationship disappear.
All this is a normal and natural facet of every relationship, although being aware of it does not stop it from being a pity.
Add a few girls to the equation, then the fatigue, various problems with the personal image and other neuronal changes little oriented to spend a spicy time and you will understand that anyone can become a sexual fiasco.
What I wanted was to sleep more, to have time for myself, to take a mimosa with my friends, to go shopping without my daughters … Everything had priority over sex.
In my case, sex disappeared completely from my neurological radar. Six years and two daughters later, not only had I stopped thinking about giving myself a romp, but I even stopped taking advantage of it when the occasion arose. What I wanted was to sleep more, have time for myself, an hour to do nothing at home, take a mimosa with my friends, the chance to finish the novel I had started, a pedicure session, go shopping without my daughters and a gap in my schedule to see a marathon of The Good Wife . That list, in addition to another hundred things that I have not mentioned, had priority over sex.
But I regretted that loss of fun, I missed that simple and hot facet of the relationship, and I wanted to have a happy marriage. I was worried that, if we left aside the most intimate part of the relationship, it might disappear forever if we ever decided to take it up again.
Being a person to whom the organization and effectiveness gives him enormous pleasure (in fact, one of my favorite books is Organize yourself effectively, by David Allen), it was no surprise when, in coming up with the idea of planning sex, I adopted the habit instantly and we marked two nights in our agenda which we call “sexy moments”.
But is there any reason why you have to plan for sex? I see an advantage: When I know when I am going to have sex , I can prepare myself physically and mentally.
When we came up with the idea of planning sex, I adopted the habit instantly and we marked two nights on our agenda, which we call “sexy moments”.
At first it was hard (but not in the style of 50 shades of Gray ). We had forgotten this facet of our life and we no longer had that chemical cocktail that helped us get in tune. Suddenly, it took us a while to relearn everything, to excite each other and emotionally dump ourselves in this new routine … but we kept it and we’ve been like this for four years now.
During this time we have learned that, although planned sex has nothing spontaneous (seriously, there is no room for spontaneity when you have to raise two girls), we can add a sense of novelty incorporating new positions or some spicy language .
Thus, I could physically prepare (shave, prepare the lingerie), prepare the atmosphere with candles, music and aromatherapy. It’s not as passionate as before, but it’s still sex. And who would oppose having sex twice a week? My husband Marc, no, of course.
Love, unity and communication are some of the virtues of a good marriage, but without sex, it seems more like a friendship.
Four years later, our sexual routine continues, despite occasional interruptions for vacations, visits to relatives, the rule, the flu, work trips and other obstacles.
But the goat pulls the bush. Sometimes too much.
If I see some drawback to planned sex is that, when the occasion arises to practice spontaneous sex (something that Marc detects as clearly as a hawk to a mouse), I find it difficult to launch. I like too much the agenda that we have designed and I would like to be more flexible when an unexpected occasion arises or when there is some modification in the routine.
Sex, as I have discovered, is not simply another advantage of having a partner: it is one of the glue in the relationship. Love, sincerity, collaboration, unity, vulnerability and communication are some of the virtues of a good marriage, but without sex, it seems more like a friendship.
Yes, I married my best friend 13 years ago, but also with my love, and I want to maintain this aspect of our life until the end of our days.