Anyone who has been in a long relationship is aware that the time they spend with their partner has a direct effect on their sex life. Sometimes, a closer bond can be beneficial in privacy but at other times, once the initial illusion passes, the frequency of pranks in the bedroom is reduced, sometimes leading to a marriage without sex .
A Reddit user summarized the problem perfectly when he asked other users to help his sexual life with his wife: “I am deeply dissatisfied, I am 32 years old, I find it strange to think that this is how my sexual life will be during the rest of my life”.
Whether for environmental reasons (stress, work, children) or something more important that happens between you, there are ways to fix it, so the British edition of the site has contacted an expert to find out what can be done to reactivate a sex life in the doldrums.
Talk about the subject treating it as a couple problem, not just yours.
When it comes to bedroom issues, it can sometimes seem uncomfortable to bring up the issue if you do not feel satisfied, especially if you love your partner and are worried about hurting their feelings.
Cate Campbell, author of The Relate Guide to Sex and Intimacy , indicates that the first step is to tackle the problem as a team, not individually: “You have to treat all sexual problems as a couple problem instead of carrying all the blame in one of both”.
Do not be afraid to talk openly about your difficulties.
Tell your partner what you think.
It may seem very obvious to you that your partner is the cause of your marriage problems or that your sex life is fading faster than you imagined, but if you do not express your discomfort (do not practice sex, you do it little or badly) you can expect it to necessarily be on the same wavelength as you to know what it is you think.
“Do not blame your partner for things not going as well as you expected,” warns Campbell.
And, because true sexual satisfaction will probably only come if you share the initiative, you should be willing to let “your partner make you enjoy” instead of assuming it will not change.
Take some time for sex, even if it is not spontaneous.
One of the biggest problems couples face is wanting sex to be as spontaneous and passionate as when they started dating, but as busy routines, childcare and fatigue are imposed, expect it to emerge naturally. Is it too much to ask.
“If we are realistic, finding time to make love is a constant challenge that couples have to face, maybe it’s something that has to be planned with peace of mind, or maybe you have to try different schedules to see which one works best for you,” Cate recommends. Campbell.
4. Steps in the right direction, however small, are important.
Solving what seems an immense problem (and more if it has been growing over time) is not something that will be achieved overnight.
So, instead of getting frustrated by the current situation, focus on moving in the right direction, even if it’s just a little bit at a time, and consider it a victory. “Do not shy away from intimate moments, but do not feel obligated to get to sex if one of you does not feel like it.”
Do not forget that those moments of intimacy also release oxytocin, the same hormone of well-being that is released by having orgasms.
5. Do not be disappointed if you do not always get to sex.
If you are going through a period of drought, it may be tempting to want to sleep with your partner every time you stay alone, but Cate Campbell advises to enjoy the kisses, caresses and hugs, which are another way to reactivate the spark (or keep it live).
“If you go out together one night, remember that the evening ends in kisses, so it’s more difficult for one of you to feel disappointed, and a kiss or a caress can lead to something else,” suggests Cate Campbell.
6. Stop comparing the relationship with its beginnings.
This does not mean, of course, that you have to resign yourself to a marriage without sex, but do not fool yourself by hoping that it will be the same again, since both you and your partner have changed, for better or for worse.